I could make wine with my vomit
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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