I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
