Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Randomize
