i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
