i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
