i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
