You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
