well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
