nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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