So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
