I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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