So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
