I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
