I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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