I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
