Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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