My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
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He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
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You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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