im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
