you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
