Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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