I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
