I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
