Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
