It's a beautiful day for a hangover
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
