I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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