and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
