I just threw up on my dentist
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
