I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
