sarcasm needs its own font
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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