He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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