i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
