dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
MIDGETS
????
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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