I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
