I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
