I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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