my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
