my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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