"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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