I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
