I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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