It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
