i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
