lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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