I'm so fucking centered right now
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
