Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
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what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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