Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
