paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
