Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
