If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
