: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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