Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
