Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
