He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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