i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My balls are so social today.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
