My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
