I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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