If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
