Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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