1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
