so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
