I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
